We live in a very strange world. On the one hand, everywhere around us exists shocking sexuality – on television, in magazines, on billboards. Advertising without a piece of nudity is not a good advertisement, according to the principle that “sex sells.”
On the other hand, we are still a very puritanical society – about “certain” matters we rarely talk with friends, and almost never at home. We have a deep-rooted pattern that says that talking about physical love is indecent. It suggests that sex is dirty, that there’s something wrong with it. And precisely the same pattern that is saying: “Sex is something wrong” creates the perversions.
Imagine a world in which physical love would be treated like the most natural thing on earth, as well as breathing or shopping. A world in which the female breast is not something that arouses an unhealthy fascination – but just another part of the human body – such as the legs, abdomen, or ears.
Now ask yourself the question – have you ever seen an ad using breathing to sell products? Do people fantasize about breathing with morbid fascination? Have you ever seen that female (or male) ears were particularly exposed on a billboard? No? The reason is, that we do not treat it as anything special. And that means that we cease to be so fixated on this thing.
Some time ago I came across an anthropological study, which dealt with the societies where nudity is quite normal. The study showed that in these societies there is practically no phenomenon of fetishism. When dealing with a real person, with its beauty and imperfections, the element of “forbidden fruit,” “secret,” “taboo” disappear, and there is no place for perversity. Sex becomes something natural, and enjoyable activity for a couple of human beings in a close, loving relationship.
As someone who struggled with compulsive sexual behaviour, and now works with men who have this problem, I spend much of their time to “demystify” the distorted view of human sexuality, in which it became the “holy grail” fulfilling all wishes, instead of just being another part of human life and in the broader context – human relationships. Giving sexuality a proper healthy place in their lives, and appreciating and accepting it to the fullest – those are the goals I work on every day. Let me, therefore, share my thoughts here.
Firstly, it came to me during my own recovery, which I started from total abstinence (aka “celibacy”) and then returned to the normal world of intimate relationships. At that time I had a lot of trouble with distinguishing my own intentions. I was not always led by healthy motives and it reflected on my relationships and well-being. I was torn: “Is it ok? Maybe I’m not able to return to a healthy sexuality? “. Then I started to think about what is healthy sexuality really? – because in fact, I never tried that before. As a result of these considerations, and analyzing my own motivation, I discovered that there are three factors that differentiate healing and profound sexual experience from actions that could be potentially harmful for us or others:
Love – a lot of people that I know separate physical and emotional love. Personally, I think that sex can really be a healing experience only when we are fully open to other person on emotional level. This gives us a sense of security and a space where we can enjoy together this wonderful experience and deepen the bond that exists between us. I do not deny the joy of experiencing your body – but for me personally it’s a little too little. In the world of pornography, sex is stripped out of love – when in fact love is something that we all want as human beings. Counteract and instead playing another scene from the movie, try to bring some love to your sexual life.
Respect – I mean first of all to respect the needs of your partner. This means that we do not force each other to nothing. This means that we are talking about what we like and what not, and we respect the boundaries we set in our intimate life. This means that we do not harm anyone while making love.
Intimacy – we are beings that have needs not only on physical level, but also in the emotional dimension. Perhaps for many years we ignored these needs, searching for something instead of them. If you want to experience sex not only as something pleasant, but also as something that’s fulfilling you emotionally, intimacy is crucial.. This is substantially a development of the first point. Sometimes, however, it seems to us that we love someone and we “wish him best” on abstract level, but still there is lack of emotional openness and intimacy between us, which is removing the wall between two people and for a moment makes them part of a greater whole. Most of us, who are struggling with compulsive sex, has not experienced true intimacy in a relationship with another human being and did not know her taste. This is something you have to learn from scratch. When we feel the closeness, the second person is no longer seen as an someone “alien” to us – when touching the skin, we feel like we had known her or him forever, when we kiss – it is so natural and sensitive as the solace of your baby to sleep.
We must as a society and as individuals look for ways to “disenchantment” of our sexuality. In our voice, the voice of people who lost control over their sex and because of that had to thought about this topic deeper – there is power. Let’s use it. Let’s propagate lovemaking – and not porn.