Question from a client: Any thoughts on the “binge-purge” cycle of porn use? I’ve tossed out all of my stuff over and over only to excitedly replace it in some new way a little later. I wonder what it would be like to leave my “stash” (porn / props) in a safe place in my home and work with learning new habits with the knowledge that it is right there.
My answer: That’s a good question. In the voice dialogue technique, we name different parts of ourselves that represent some energy pattern so there’s the inner addict, the inner loser, and a variety of different subpersonalities.
What I found out is that inner addict is like hydra. You kill one head and next grows up if you don’t solve the core issue behind his existence. For instance, when I quit porn, I got hooked on compulsive shopping, then too much time on the computer, and so on. It took many, many months for me to finally deal with that pattern and heal it to the point where I was not interested in running away from myself any more.
For me, that pattern was primarily connected with running away from stuff. I didn’t want to feel what I felt. I didn’t want to embrace it. This part of me is a subpersonality who doesn’t want pain. He’s not grown up. He feels that he can’t protect himself and deal with reality, so he has to run away into all those different compulsive activities. He feels hopeless, because there was something missing in his life during crucial moments.
My primary issue is a lack of intimacy during childhood. That developed into the inability to create intimacy with people as I became older. It took me some time to feel safe with honest sharing (and even that’s not necessarily equal with real emotional intimacy, right?), and feel love towards myself. This is especially true when there’s nobody around to hold me tight. I’m still learning that.
I, personally, believe that our best blocking device is in our head. But at the same time I remember that I used this logic to keep my old habit close to me. I had to see what I needed, what the real motivation behind my choices were, and ask myself honestly what could I endure.
What I needed at some point was some definitive and aggressive action. I even thought about throwing away my computer, but I never did that. I deleted all my “porn stashes” and felt very proud of it. Keeping it close to me would have been playing with fire. It wasn’t about it’s existence I could search for porn on my computer any time but about a feeling that I gained by making a firm choice to leave it behind once and for all. We all need determination and action and taking those definitive steps helped me a lot.
If you’re interested in pursuing that path, I can help you. I know the way, I know the tools and I have already helped to change lives of many guys from around the world (thank you again for your awesome testimonial, Jason) You can reach out through my online calendar here: